“Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending
And all good things, they say, never last” – Prince
Eight years ago at the end of April I lost my biggest cheerleader, my mom Cindy. This April was never going to be easy, they haven’t been since she passed away, but this month was made especially tough losing a dream job for a national cookie brand that I once loved. This is the toughest April that I’ve faced since she passed in 2012, but I still remain positive. I’d like to take the time here to just talk about what it’s like losing your biggest fan.
Who was my mother? Well that’s a bit of a complicated question. My mom was a nurse, a flower child, a skier, a gardener, a beach bum, a partier, a stubborn woman, a caring woman, and my biggest fan. My mom was 62 years old when she passed away, and one of my biggest regrets in life will always be not asking her more questions about her life while she was actually around. One of my greatest joys now is when one of her friends reaches out to me and tells me something that I never knew about my mom because there is a lot more in regards to who she was that I will never know.
I do know that I’m almost a perfect 50/50 mix of personality traits between my mom and my father. If you were on my mom’s good side, there was no one more loving and loyal to have in your corner. But, if you crossed her or did her wrong, watch out. Also, while I wouldn’t say my mom was reckless with money, she instead prioritized seeing the world and experiencing all that life has to offer over the amount in her savings account. This is something that in the end I’m happy for her because she was able to live A LOT of life in 62 years. In both of those two traits, I do see a lot of myself. One of my mom’s good friends called me on April 15th, my mom’s birthday, and told me a story of how she joined a vacation club because of my mom’s theory that it’s better to travel and see the world because you never know just how long you’ll be able to do so.
My parents each had a child from a previous marriage before they met each other, but I was their only child together which meant I would always be her baby boy. My parents divorced at the end of seventh grade, and this help put in motion a rebellious streak on my part that lasted until I graduated from high school.
There were some really rough times in high school in terms of my behavior, but that’s possibly a story for another day. However, through it all, my mother remained my biggest cheerleader and knew that I would emerge from that phase and do great something great with my life.
While my mom was my biggest fan, that doesn’t mean other people in my life were/are not supportive. Far from it. My father has always been the realist in our family, which helped keep me grounded when I needed it. My father has also done an absolutely perfect job of providing the love of two parents since my mom passed away. My wife is the rock of our household and without her this month would be almost unbearable. My brother Morgan has always been there for me as my best friend, and my sister in law Katie became the defacto Burkhardt den mother since she joined our family. Throw in some really good friends to call upon whenever needed, and I’ve been truly blessed to have a great support system.
However, it’s just a different type of love that a mother has for her baby boy and when you lose that, things are never quite the same. While I think it’s important to have a parental figure that helps keep you grounded, I think it’s equally important to have one who helps you dream those impossible dreams.
I’m glad that my mother saw me graduate from college. I’m also very happy that my mom saw me fulfill one of my childhood dream jobs by touring the country with the indie-pop band Chester French when they were the opening act for Blink 182’s reunion tour in 2009. My mom was so proud of me that she embarrassingly e-mailed our lead singer D.A Wallach (sorry D.A!) to tell her how awesome they were. I will forever be in debt to D.A. for allowing me to live out this dream while my mother was still alive. Living in a tour bus with a rock band is everything you could ever imagine and more, but knowing what it meant for my mom, a Woodstock flower child, makes it indescribably special.
However, my mom did not see me live out my other dream of becoming a sports writer at the Morning Call. I can only imagine how many newspapers she would have bought every single time I had an article printed, especially one on the front page. My mom also did not live to see me get married, though I know she would have absolutely loved my wife and especially her commitment to public health since that was important to my mom as well. I can also only imagine the heartbreak my mom would have had recently seeing me become communications manager at a national brand that I truly loved, only to see it ripped away four months later due to COVID-19.
Losing your biggest cheerleader is both a blessing and a curse. I’m sure you’re now thinking “Wait, did you actually say a blessing?” and in terms of motivation I would say yes, absolutely. Since she passed away, I continue to reach for the stars in terms of what I want from my professional life. I continue to set and try to accomplish new dream goals, each time asking myself, “would my mom be proud of AND happy for me for doing this?”. I am motivated every day in my professional life to make sure the answer is 100% yes. While working for this national cookie brand for example, I know that my mom would have ordered hundreds of cookies for herself and others, just like friends and family actually did while I was there.
Here’s a little story that not many people know about….A few days before my mom passed away, she needed emergency heart surgery which she never came out of sedation from. At this time, I was scheduled to host an interactive webcast with Dr. James Peterson at Lehigh University. This webcast was called “The Real Swing Vote” and was a discussion of the ways that non-mainstream voters can user their influence as swing voters to shape the American political system ahead of the 2012 election.
While I was parking on Lehigh’s campus I got a call from the hospital saying that my mom had the surgery and they were concerned about her ever regaining consciousness. Now, I could have gotten in my car and rushed over to the hospital, but I know that’s not what she would have wanted. My mother was a very liberal woman who took pride in the fact that I was working for a non-profit focused on getting more people engaged in the political process. I know that she knew that there would be thousands of people watching this live stream and that I had to go through with it, and that’s exactly what I did. I hope she was proud of me doing so, and I hope she continues to be proud of me for all that I do in my professional life.
My mom spent a large period of her life working at Lehigh Valley Hospital as a nurse. After that, she bounced around at a lot of different companies. My mom was the type to never settle in terms of what she felt that she and especially her patients deserved. She did not compromise on what she knew was right, even if it meant having to move on from a position. This is something that I always admired about her and working in public relations I’ve found it’s something that I’ve brought into my life as well.
The Romans gave this month the name Aprills, which means “to open”. April will remain a time of sadness for me, but also a time of beautiful new things. My nephew Charlie was born in April 5 years ago, and he’s the most awesome, smartest, little star wars loving kid that you’ll ever meet. Also four days after the month of April ends, I get to celebrate my wedding anniversary with the most caring, patient, loving wife that a guy could ever ask for.
So while sometimes it does indeed snow in April, there is also a lot of of great weather too 🙂
